How can I find the road less traveled?

Some 25 years ago, when I was young and fearless and oh so did not care what people thought, I often used to say things that were not always "proper" and generally spoke my mind. In social gatherings if someone said something super conservative like making sexist or racist comments, I would get all riled up and go toe to toe with them and argue until the cows came home. Such was my belief in my principles and I felt almost an obligation to stand up for those. Now 25 years later, in similar circumstances, when people make comments like that, I just stay quiet. I don't want to make a scene and I justify my silence by saying to myself that everyone has a right to their opinions. But somehow it feels like cowardice. Is it? Where did my passionate beliefs and fearlessness go? Where did I go? When I was younger, I had opinions on everything (and I expressed them freely...sometimes even when no one asked for them). Now I don't even bother forming opinions on things that are not directly related to my life, thinking "none of my business". When did I become so passive? Now when I look at my life, it just seems so predictable. Its like I have spent the last 25 years trying to become who I was supposed to be and in the process the vivacious, passionate side of me just shriveled away. Why did I do this to myself...rather why did I let this happen to me? And more importantly how do I find myself back? How do I brighten this light that has become a zero watt bulb? In the ultra traditional life that I live, there is no room for fearless and controversial. At times I feel like my mind and body has been hijacked by someone else and I need to reclaim it somehow. But how? When you are and do everything that you are supposed to, how do you walk that path back and then take the road less traveled? 

Empathy: I totally understand!

I always considered myself somewhat of an authority on empathy. And my understanding of empathy was making someone feel understood. So imagine my surprise when I found out that that is only one of the three components of empathy! It's the Cognitive empathy. There two other components of empathy: Emotional empathy and Empathic concern. Even more surprising was the finding that people who have high levels of empathy have more empathy towards "insiders", people they consider like them and less empathy towards "outsiders".  They go to extreme lengths to justify the actions of "insiders" but judge the "outsiders" more harshly. Come to think of it...that kind of does sound like me. Does that mean that having more empathy makes me less objective and more judgmental? If the question is; would I rather be more objective or have more empathy? The answer seems pretty obvious. Even though I had prided myself on being logical, giving up objectivity for being a loyal and trusted friend seems like an acceptable trade off. But I am not at all happy to find out that it also comes with the baggage of being more judgmental. I thought that empathy was a universal quality; if you have it, then you have it for all. So it seems I have some work to do in the "Empathy Gym". How do I spread my empathy towards the "outsiders".  How do I become less judgmental? Accepting who I am might just be the first step. 

I am sorry!

Recently I came across a podcast about giving a heartfelt apology. Completely agreed with all 9 rules starting with Rule #1 which is to keep your "but" out of the apology. I have been thinking about this for a few days now..who are the people that I need to apologize to and who are the people that I would like an apology from. The ones I need to apologize to...I can't think of anyone...I am sure I have offended people in my 40 some years...I just don't remember it. On the other hand I know exactly who I want an apology from. But just as I don't remember who I have hurt, I am sure they too would not remember that they have hurt me so deeply. So what's the solution to this? Should I ask each of my close friends if I have hurt them and then apologize? But then if I don't remember what happened, is the apology meaningful? After all a true apology recognizes how you have failed the other person. Similarly do I tell the people, some of whom I am still friends with, how they have hurt my feelings? Same problem applies. How do you forgive someone when they don't ask for it? This podcast really brought forth all the hurt from many years from some old friends. I will just have to carry this burden with me because just like I will never get to apologize to people I have offended because I don't remember it, neither will my friends (or ex friends).  But I do want absolution from my forgotten transgressions and an apology for theirs. I will get neither. I will just have to settle for thinking of this as an even trade. 

A mother’s promise.

To my children,

Here’s a mother’s promise:

I will always love you, no matter what

I will share your joy when you are happy

I will sit with you when you are sad 

I will hold your hand when you are afraid 

I will never doubt you

I will always believe you 

I will be your “Room of Requirement”

I will always be there for you whenever you need me

For whatever you need

This is my promise to you. 

Thank  you for creating so many moments of joy

Feeling truly grateful!

Ah to be mother to such a wonderful daughter!

Definitely feeling grateful to have such a wonderful daughter!

Practicing gratitude...but how does it really work???

I have heard countless times. Practicing gratitude is a path to Happiness. But how does it really work? I have plenty of things to be grateful for. But instead of a feeling of gratitude and then promised happiness, I feel...nothing...it feels like an inventory. Is that being ungrateful? I hope not. Listing the things that I am (supposed to be) grateful for...wonderful family, beautiful home, job, health...never leads to this feeling of happiness or peace or tranquility that Mindfulness advertises (or so I assumed). And then I came across a new definition of practicing gratitude. Practicing gratitude is allowing yourself to feel joy. Joy is gratitude and gratitude is joy. I love this concept. And I started thinking about all the things that bring me joy...
watching your children sleep (no matter how old)
Breathing in crisp Spring air
Walking along West cliff Drive in Santa Cruz seeing the waves crashing on the rocks with the white frothy foam
Listening to my daughter belting out "Radio gaga"
First bite of varan bhaat
First sip of Testarossa Pino on a cold cold night
Sitting on the steps of Lincoln Memoria
Dinner at the little Italian restaurant in Princeton
Waiting in the line at Time Square for "Chicago"
Listening to Sinatra
Walking by Seine, taking in Paris
Yop of Notre Dame Cathedral
Discussions around dinner table (Planning an imaginary heist...reminiscing about Rutu's adventures in the Boy Scout)
Solving logic problems
Driving to Hana in Hawaii
Barcelo Maya Palace
Gold Coast in Australia
The Great Wall of China
Niagara Falls
Pomegranate martinis in Ani Deepali's sunroom
Reading in the backyard on a lazy Sunday afternoon
Inhaling the sweet smell of jasmine
Homemade shwarma
Walking on the Golden Gate Bridge
Waking up in the morning after a restful sleep
Right after an awesome workout
A really nice cup of Cappuccino (Blue Bottle)
Chocolate raspberry mousse cake
In the throes of a suspense novel (Gone Girl, Silent patient)
Heart to heart talk with my kids
A feeling of cleanness right after a shower
Watching a great movie (Inception)
Dancing at Monali's party
Watching the sun dip in the Maui ocean...
And as I am recalling and writing my moments of joy, I feel this warm and fuzzy feeling from the roots of hair to the tips of my toes and a wide smile spreading across my face...undoubtedly grateful to the core of my being! And just like that I know how it works! 

You expect me to believe that?

You know the people who greet you with "You are looking GORGEOUS!" or a very emphasized "How are you?" with emphasis on every word...in fact every syllable? You know the people I am talking about? I want to say to them one day, "Do you really expect me to believe that I am in fact looking gorgeous...sorry GORGEOUS (when I haven't looked anywhere near that adjective in over twenty years) or that you are so so interested in knowing how I am when I haven't heard from you in...oh I don't know...months???? That would be rude. I know and I am not going to actually say it (but I say it in my mind). My questions is are they fake or do they really believe what they are saying. George Costanza style; its not a lie if you believe it! Why do people (not all, only some) feel a need to give exaggerated compliments? I give compliments all the time but at least half of the compliment is true or some version of truth or at least semi truth but I wouldn't call someone gorgeous, sorry GORGEOUS unless I come face to face with say Margot Robbie. You know the compliments I like the best, the ones that come straight from the heart and are about who I am or what I did rather than how I look. Is it really that hard to compliment people on these qualities? Just the other day we were discussing the airplane scene from "The Incredibles"..."Disengage disengage...there are children aboard!" but the missile strikes...Violet cannot cast her force field...the plane explodes...and then we see Helen as an enormous parachute gently bringing her children to safety. Brings me to tears every single time and my son (age 20) said, "That is such a MOM moment!" And I feel warm and fuzzy with my heart welling with joy. And as I am writing this, I feel the smile spread wide across my lips as I re-live that moment.