Some 25 years ago, when I was young and fearless and oh so did not care what people thought, I often used to say things that were not always "proper" and generally spoke my mind. In social gatherings if someone said something super conservative like making sexist or racist comments, I would get all riled up and go toe to toe with them and argue until the cows came home. Such was my belief in my principles and I felt almost an obligation to stand up for those. Now 25 years later, in similar circumstances, when people make comments like that, I just stay quiet. I don't want to make a scene and I justify my silence by saying to myself that everyone has a right to their opinions. But somehow it feels like cowardice. Is it? Where did my passionate beliefs and fearlessness go? Where did I go? When I was younger, I had opinions on everything (and I expressed them freely...sometimes even when no one asked for them). Now I don't even bother forming opinions on things that are not directly related to my life, thinking "none of my business". When did I become so passive? Now when I look at my life, it just seems so predictable. Its like I have spent the last 25 years trying to become who I was supposed to be and in the process the vivacious, passionate side of me just shriveled away. Why did I do this to myself...rather why did I let this happen to me? And more importantly how do I find myself back? How do I brighten this light that has become a zero watt bulb? In the ultra traditional life that I live, there is no room for fearless and controversial. At times I feel like my mind and body has been hijacked by someone else and I need to reclaim it somehow. But how? When you are and do everything that you are supposed to, how do you walk that path back and then take the road less traveled?
